JOY PARADE No.49
Socks To Wear When Ignoring Your Phone! Puppet Shows for Chimney Sweeps! Becoming Ungovernable with Neil!
Pssst! If you are reading this via an email, the JOY PARADE might be a smidge too long for you to see all of it. If so, just click the title and it’ll take you to where you can read the whole thing with your eyeballs online!
OH HELLO!
Well, thank GOODNESS that heatwave’s over!
I don’t do well with summer at the best of times. I just don’t have the genetics for it. I’ve got Irish, Welsh and Scottish genes dancing around my double helix and that does not make for a comfortable June to September. Add in a skin tone that makes Caspar the Friendly Ghost look sun-kissed, and I have no hope whatsoever. So this little break from the skin burning temps has been heavenly.
It’s been a busy week here with a trip to one of my dearest friend’s (L) daughter’s school to talk about books with lots of 5-11 year olds. It was, as all school events are, completely mad.
L and I arrived and had a school lunch which is always fun, mainly because you are seated on tiny chairs and have to navigate (in this case) a plate of noodles whilst your knees are grazing your earlobes.
I particularly liked the two children who came, mid lunch, to investigate us. “What I would like to know…” said one six year old girl, eyes narrowed suspiciously, “…is who YOU are and why you are here?”
When she said “YOU”, I found myself being pointed at with the sharp end of a Pickled Onion flavoured Monster Munch. As an interrogation technique it was surprisingly chilling…
By the time you read this I will also have done some events at the British Library so the likelihood is that by Monday morning I won’t have a single word left in my head or a voice left in my mouth.
Now, before we get to our JOY PARADE, let’s have a little catch up about some of the other things that have gone on this past week…
I was in a cafe the other (hot) day and a heavily pregnant woman staggered in and in the doorway cried, “I NEED AIR CON AND A CHEESE TOASTIE IMMEDIATELY!” and this identified her to me at once as someone I could be very best friends with.
I’ve bought a mandoline for slicing ingredients in the kitchen. I haven’t used it yet because I have a few things to do over the next few days that require me to still have fingers.
Walking down a street the other evening a tiny, elderly woman was marching towards me carrying a large, tote style shopping bag. As she went by I saw that printed on the bag in big block capitals was
“WHOOPSIE! I’VE BOUGHT WINE INSTEAD OF MILK…
…AGAIN!!”
The bag was clinking and she had a glint in her eye.
I drove by an estate agents the other afternoon and it had a MASSIVE sign in the window saying “FIREWORKS SOLD HERE ALL YEAR ROUND - SPEAK TO GAIL!” and a woman (Gail?) was standing in the doorway, dressed in a Minions onesie, vaping.
(I’ve just read that paragraph back and found myself thinking how would I explain any part of it to Jane Austen?)
Bit of a panic midweek when I went into the garden to check on my chickens and could only find two of the three. I searched all over for Pearl, calling her loudly and trying to stay calm. Eventually I found her - fast asleep and upside down in the enormous plant pot containing an apple tree. She was drunk on fresh air and the thrill of trespassing in places she shouldn’t be.
One of my favourite things to do in the supermarket is to be really nosy and get stuck into eyeballing what other people have in their trolleys.
This week at the till I was sandwiched between two interesting selections.
The man in front had a trolley FULL to bursting with cat food and, oddly, a single cantaloupe melon.
The man behind was even more intriguing. His trolley was packed with 36 loo rolls, a bottle of thick bleach and 11 aubergines.
I have been wondering for days now what exactly goes on in their homes.
In the latest in our semi-regular series: “If It’s Not One Thing, It’s My Mother”
Yesterday afternoon, my father sent a photo to our family WhatsApp group. In it Muv is wearing a hi-vis jacket and an industrial sized pair of headphones with an attached microphone. In her one hand is a walkie-talkie and she appears to be directing articulated lorries down a narrow, medieval side street.
As always, absolutely no context was given…
Right, that’s enough of that. We MUST start our JOY PARADE. These confetti cannons were expensive to hire and I want to get my money’s worth…
1. We begin as always with our BEHOLDING! and EXCLAIMING!
Firstly, LOOK at this delicious rose that’s finally revealed itself in my garden! My roses seem very late this year…
Coral-orangey-pink like the wall of a sun-burnished gelato shop in Italy. V. Cheering to see in the garden and with more blooms coming!
Secondly, I continue to be thrilled by these poppy seed pods!
Something v.bold and architectural about them - but a jaunty sort of an architecture. They could be finials on Gaudi’s cathedral spires for example, or ornamental flag poles in the Wonderful Land of Oz. WONDERFUL!
Thirdly, look at the beautiful colours in this bouquet I received this week!
One way to really get my eyebrows waggling gleefully is to put bright orange next to shocking pink and pep it all up with a bit of a fruity, pea/olive green accent. Profoundly delightful to the eye!
2. Am v. keen on this c. 1930s portrait of actress and singer, Josephine Huston in a tulip garden.
Those hazy yellows and the enormous, cartwheel sized hat? Perfection! Bit Meet Me In St Louis-ish I think.
3. I’ve thought a lot about what my garden needs recently. I’ve had two enormous raised allotment beds built and, naturally, I have my life sized resin sheep sculpture and three, often Sherry-drunk chickens wandering around the place… but of course what I actually need more than anything is a goat tower…
Although could I trust the hens with this? I just know they’d suddenly get interested in Parkour and I don’t think I could cope with the vet bills…
4. Maybe that man I saw in the supermarket with all the loo rolls was going home to recreate this?
Still doesn’t answer my questions about the thick bleach and aubergines though…
5. I’ve been thinking about cross sections this week. I’ve always loved them because as you know, I’m terrifically nosy and any oppo I get to get stuck into other people’s houses and what might be going there - I’m in.
Here are three of my fav cross-sections, all by one of our absolute favourites - Janet Ahlberg.
Firstly, these two from Cops and Robbers (written by Alan Ahlberg).
As you’d expect from Janet - it’s full of great details. I particularly love the “SPARE HELMETS”, the pipe being smoked out of the upstairs window, and the tea tray being carried very carefully up the stairs.
And here - the sweet little dog snoozing on the armchair and the plants in the greenhouse!
And this from “It Was A Dark And Stormy Night”, is just a masterpiece!
The ghost knights walking through the walls! The headless ghoul peeping over the edge of the turrets! The bemused cat in the window!
I have such a strong memory of watching a film of this illustration being worked on an episode of Blue Peter as a child. I remember being enchanted by it and was breathless with anticipation for the next Scholastic Book Fair to visit my school so I could buy/coerce my parents to get me a copy (and also some novelty pencils which always seemed to be on sale too).
6. Talking of cross-sections- slap your eyeballs on this! It’s like one of Janet A’s images brought to life! (You might have to click the image to get the video to play.)
It’s magnificent - AND THEN A REAL HORSE JUST TROTS ACROSS THE STAGE!
I often wonder what goes through stage animals heads in these situations. How do they explain their evenings when they get home? “Well, I was standing about in this field with you all earlier, chewing grass and doing horse stuff, then suddenly I was bundled into a van and next thing I know, loads of people are singing and scrabbling about on a sawn off galleon and I had to trot around for a bit with someone pretending to be a pirate on my back…”
The other horses:
Do the stage horses’ stable mates think their friend is on drugs? Or do they think they’ve gone bit ‘luvvie’ when they return home, post show, with flecks of grease paint still on their ears and bouquets of roses clutched in their hooves? Is there a woman in jodhpurs in the wings shouting “NEIGH OUT, LOUISE!” like an equestrian Mama Rose from Gypsy?
The mind races…
7. Ideal socks for wearing when lying in a hammock, reading, and ACCIDENTALLY putting your phone on airplane mode when you know people are urgently trying to get hold of you …
8 . The opticians, Cubitts, have commissioned this David Shrigley mural for their new shop/lab/showroom near Kings Cross and I think it’s terrif!
What it has to do with spectacles I don’t know, but I’m thrilled by it. MORE ART FOR THE SAKE OF IT!
10. Isn’t this a good cupboard?
You could use it to store table linens in etc, but I think I’d be tempted to take the two glass panels out and use the thing to perform puppets shows. Would be a nice way to add a fizz of excitement to proceedings when the electricity meter is being read or when the chimney sweep is here.
Available here (and on sale!)
11. The BBC Archive is tremendous. So many gems there for you to watch.
This week I’ve particularly enjoyed this bittersweet little film about two writers whose output is breathtakingly prolific. I particularly love the first author’s pen names and the titles of his v. chaste romance books.
It’s inspired me to maybe write some of my own chaste romances. I haven’t any plots yet but importantly I do have a list of titles:
A Hunk on Horseback
The Tennant of Heartthrob Hall
A Fair Maiden’s Fancy.
Monsieur, Can’t We Snuggle?
A Marquis for M’Lady.
(In my author photo on the back of each book I will be looking winsomely into the middle distance, absolutely ENCRUSTED with paste diamonds)
Elsewhere in the archives we have this woman who is WILD for wrestling!
(I think that’s a Kwik Save uniform under her coat which only makes me adore her more…)
12. One thing you need to know about me is that I need to know every detail about things, especially what food everyone is eating at all times. My friend - M - travels for work a lot and eats in heaps of restaurants. He is now DUTY BOUND to send me photos of not just his meal but also the full menu.
Anyway, this video made me laugh A LOT, because:
1. It’s wonderful!
2. Taco Woman is in the role of My Friend M (trying to peacefully enjoy literally any meal) and I am in the role of the man in the background (who Gets Involved…)
“I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant!”
13. Fabulous illustrator, Emily Sutton, has designed a range of merch for Yorkshire institution, Betty’s.
I’m particularly keen on this Fat Rascal’s tote! Would make an excellent gift bag filled with tea-time treats for someone dear to you who needs cheering up a bit.
Available here!
14. Dame Penelope Keith passed away last week and I adored her. I was lucky enough to see her in a play years ago. I can’t remember what it was but I do remember that at one point she said an extremely filthy word and it was so exquisite to hear it in THAT voice! Mgnificent!
Here she is getting the Morecambe and Wise treatment! The way she hoiks her frock up! And then, of course, the forehead tassel! And the shoe!
15. As you know we LOVE Nancy M here, but these printed notecards she had made AND USED, only cements her in our affections.
16. I am an enormous fan of Neil and both his energy AND his vibe.
I feel like he has been delivered onto us as a sign to become totally ungovernable at all times.
Reader, I LOVE HIM.
FINALLY…
As is tradition - we’ll finish with a song. Now, get your ears ready for this, because it’s Cilla Black with her voice like a cat being put through a car wash.
Here she is performing Eye of the Tiger in her own, very special, very unique way.
Please enjoy:
Cilla wandering into a youth club gymnasium in a pencil skirt, heels and a sequinned circus clown’s jacket.
Cilla singing directly into the totally bewildered woman in a tracksuit’s face and hauntingly not breaking eye contact. (Cilla has 100% kidnapped this woman.)
Cilla, with her mullet lacquered stiff, punching a teenager to the point of concussion whilst wearing a bejazzled blouse and satin gym knickers.
Thank you for reading this week’s JOY PARADE.
I hope you have a lovely Sunday. What are you all up to? Because I cannot have a single day without someone I know or am related to doing something absolutely insane, I will be going to watch my 11 year old nephew perform in the role of a pigeon? In some sort of a parade? (Which is actually very on brand now that I think about it… Perhaps I should hire him to advertise this newsletter?)As always, I am given just the briefest whiff of any facts or context so just have to turn up, bewildered, and clap uproariously.
I’ll be back next Sunday with JOY PARADE No.50! In the meantime, if you’ve enjoyed this JOY PARADE I would simply adore it if you were to prod the heart button ❤️ below and do please follow me on Instagram (I’m mralextsmith over there) and also subscribe to and share this newsletter to all your chums.
Thank you so much!
In Tearing Haste,
HEAD PIGEON.
On the return flight from Girona, husband and I had the Ryanair App for boarding pass, and were determined not to be old people pocket-patting and saying we had no battery. At check-in, there was no one on the counter and a Ryanair person was trying not cry, checking in the whole queue by getting us to weigh our own baggage, print the labels and apply them. This requires training and they make it look easy. I made a Moebius Strip, I have not made one since I was 9. Husband who is not allowed superglue stuck label to himself and has now arrived safely in Zagreb.
I was at a primary school visiting a student (I taught education ) and a five year old came up to me and told me that if I needed to talk about anything or if anything was worrying me then I should come to her as she was the special person in the class . They had a whole school policy of having someone in each class who had that role . I nearly wept it was so sweet !!!!