JOY PARADE No.44
Smuggling Walruses! A Teflon Coated Uvula! Very Important Necessary Sea Monster Business!
Pssst! If you are reading this via an email, the JOY PARADE might be a smidge too long for you to see all of it. If so, just click the title and it’ll take you to where you can read the whole thing with your eyeballs online!
OH HELLO!
How are you all?
What a week! It was a bank holiday weekend here in the UK which meant a three day weekend and a four day working week. This is GLORIOUS, but it does mean that I’ve not had a single clue what day it is. Is it Wednesday? Could it be Thursday? A mid week Saturday is a possibility! It’s given the week a frission of excitement as every few hours I have to madly double check my diary to make sure I haven’t missed an appointment.
Now, let’s see what what I have to tell you since I last wrote to you…
The weather this past week- SCORCHING! And as is often the case in the UK, we got no really warning for it. The week before we were all huddled like Brambly Hedge mice near our fires, chugging acorn coffee like there was no tomorrow and then - WHAM! -SUNSHINE! HEAT! And suddenly everyone’s frying eggs on the pavement and panting like Bull Mastiffs.
How I’ve coped with the intense warmth is to start wearing what I’ve taken to calling my “Third Trimester Gentlemen’s Bouses”. These are cotton shirts that are so oversized and so voluminous that under one I could easily smuggle a fully grown walrus out of an aquarium and no one would know.
Of course now I’ve said all of this it’ll start raining and when I next write we’ll all be sunburnt with trench foot.
During the heatwave I walked past a fish and chip shop. The heat from within was rippling out of the open door on a cloud of fried fish and battered sausages. When I glanced in I saw the man who owns the joint standing over the fryers, chin deep in a black, long sleeved, roll neck sweater and I nearly phoned the police.
There wasn’t a bead of sweat on this chap’s brow. How he was not on a stretcher halfway to the local hospital with chip-fryer induced heatstroke I do not know.
In “What Trouble Have My Hens Got Themselves Into This Week?” news:
There was an awful noise in the garden and I ran out to investigate and found Winifred wedged in a watering can.
Head first.
I am adjacent to a nervous breakdown with these chickens, I really am.
I was in the garden on Wednesday evening putting up some new bunting for my chickens and I found myself thinking “I really must give Barbara a fresh coat of paint.”
Barbara is my life size replica sheep that lives in the garden. Her fleece I have painted pink.
To explain: I don’t know what steps YOU took to cope with the first Covid lockdown, but what I learned about myself was that in times of Distress and Uncertainty I buy life sized resin/fibreglass replica sculptures of sheep.
She was purchased in the deep, hazy period before dawn one night during a bout of terrible insomnia. What was fun about this is that I then forgot entirely that I’d bought her until several weeks later when a delivery man (dressed in essentially a hazmat suit) arrived on my doorstep and said (in a mask-muffled voice) “Got a delivery here for a Mr Alex Smith…”
*checks clipboard*
“Of a er… sheep?”
Then his colleague (also togged like one of the scientists at the end of ET) emerged from their van holding Barbara aloft like the arrival of the Queen Of Sheba1.
She’s lived in my garden ever since and I can’t tell you how cheerful she makes the place. When she’s been re painted and the work on my garden has been completed I’ll show her to you all.
I’ve seen TWO sets of adult twins this week which, like spotting nuns out in the wild, always delights me. The fact that each pair were dressed identically just added to the thrill.
The first set were two men in their early 50s wearing matching T-shirts and shorts riding next to each other on matching bicycles and going around and around a traffic island.
I don’t know why.
The next were women in their early twenties. They were walking down a road, both hunched over their phones and typing frantically in unison. I like to think that they were texting each other.
I nipped into a cafe the other day to get an iced coffee. The queue was enormous due, mainly, to the fact that there were three baristas gaily taking order after order but only one poor sod (flailing like The Swedish Chef from The Muppets) working on all the drinks all at once.
As such there was quite a build up down the far end of the counter at the waiting area for drinks. When I got served, I placed my order and I stood next to a woman who had quite a tray full of drinks to wait on. When eventually ONE of her drinks was finally made and placed on her tray, I watched in amazement as she downed it - a BUCKET of roasting hot caramel latte - like a rugby player gulping down a pint in the clubhouse at the end of season social. She took the entire thing down in one.
When I was handed my drink I tried to enjoy it but all I could think about was the state of this complete stranger’s uvula. It was either Teflon coated or burnt to a crisp. Her soft palate must be in tatters.
Days later I’m still very concerned about it all…
RIGHT…now we MUST join the JOY PARADE! The majorette’s have be marching on the spot for hours waiting for us to begin.
1. As always we begin with some BEHOLDING! and EXCLAIMING!
Firstly, LOOK! at these little roses!
Like dollops of cream waiting for Wimbledon strawbs! Delicious!
And BEHOLD! these Ox Eye Daisies, or as I call them “Mary Quants”. So sixties! So cheerful!
A plate of sunny side up fried eggs!
2. Every nano second of this is perfection - the wallpaper! The pink frock! The hair, rock hard and helmet-like! The busy, bird-like glances back and forth. I just love her!
“VERY sowft!”
3. I don’t know if it’s an age thing and perhaps it isn’t because I’ve always enjoyed really looking at things and getting to grips with them, but I’ve noticed recently how delighted I am by watching little things be incredibly busy. I moved a plant pot the other day and from under it a conga line of woodlice appeared and I got a real kick out of eyeballing them I can tell you.
So this garland featuring Small Things To Look At is lovely and I might buy it to hang in my studio.
5. Thinking of doing some weekend baking? Might I suggest these bunny cake tins?
Or these chicken ones which are VERY relevant to our interests here.
6. This knitted jumper stopped me in my tracks. Do make sure you swipe to see the SPEED! at which! it was knitted!!
My brain went FULL Maths Lady trying to comprehend how someone can knit something so complicated so quickly. WITCHCRAFT?!
7. I’ve really enjoyed looking at this painting, Medical Students by Gerald Dilllon, this week.
So much to enjoy - the cool, bluey green walls against the warm blue door, that massive jug, and that fantastic patchwork throw! PLUS a Bedknobs and Broomsticks bed frame! TERRIF!
8.
I made this this week and if you want to make it too here’s what you need to do:
Make sure the day is hot. REALLY hot. You are wearing one of your Third Trimester Gentlemen’s Blouses (sans walrus) and you are worried the plastic arms of your spectacles are going to melt and weld themselves to the side of your face.
It’s dinner time and you need something quick and minimal effort. The kitchen door is open and outside the air is like soup.
First of all slice some green beens and chuck them in some boiling water until they are cooked but not soggy. Remove them and plunge them into an icy bath and feel jealous that you can’t be in an icy bath too.
Then you’ll need a big mixing type bowl. Into this you put a tin of drained and rinsed chickpeas. Add some sweetcorn. You could shuck it from a cob yourself if you are homesteading or insane but really it’s just too warm for that so give yourself the gentle gift of a tin.
Add the cooled beans.
Then go to the fridge and open it and stand there enjoying the coolness until the fridge starts to beep furiously because the door is open. Tell it to PIPE DOWN.
Then root around for a bit. Get a carrot and grate that. Add some finely sliced celery. Find a red pepper and dice that daintily. Get a couple of spring onions and slice them very thinly. Quarter some cherry tomatoes but make sure they are the juicy, summer kind and not the sort that just taste of sad water.
Put all of this into the mixing bowl with the corn and chickpeas etc and mix it all together. Then take yourself outside in your gardening pumps and snip off a REALLY good handful of fresh, zingy, Good Time herbs - basil, mint (definitely!) parsley, dill and get that inside the house. Wash it, cut it up small and mix that in with everything else.
Now you need to baptise everything. Slosh a good slug of very good olive oil over it. Remember at this point that you have bought a fancy new juicer so use that to get some fresh lemon juice and throw that over everything as well. Season LIBERALLY with black pepper and some sea salt.
Now step back and think “This needs some crunch!” so get a handful of walnuts and really go to town on them with a rolling pin. Sprinkle the shards over the salad.
Next add an aggressive amount of Feta.
You are almost done now. Place a good few spoonfuls of this salad into a deep bowl.
Slice an avocado and put it on top and add a little more olive oil. Top with some of this (because you are currently adding it to everything) and some pickled pink onions. (You could make these yourself but why would you when air conditioned shops exist?) and some kicky chilli flakes.
Then take it outside to that cool corner of the garden near the lavender plants. Kick your gardening pumps off, sit down in the garden armchair and unhinge your jaw to swallow your dinner whole like a python.
(The rest of the salad - refrigerated- is delicious the next day)
9. I can’t decide if this jam jar cocktail is genius or nuts. Either way I’m trying it!
RACE YOU TO THE HALF EMPTY BONNE MAMAN!
10. I think if you were around 200 years ago when this incredible singing bird box machine was created, watching and listening to it would have been a wonderful distraction to the discomfort of your corsets.
Aren’t people marvellous? To think of the inventor who made this being so moved by the sounds he heard that he wanted to capture it to listen on demand. Q. a lovely thing to consider.
11. I know we had a good ferret around the Sous Chef website last week but since then THIS came to my attention and I urgently need to tell you about it.
12. So silly and so brilliant
13. In our occasional series “And Then There Were Nuns- An Investigation Into Nuns Doing Things” I present this 92 year old German nun having her first doner kebab.
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Unclear if this is being eaten in a bus stop after a night out on the WKD Blues, but one can only hope.
14. Wondering where to incubate that duck egg you’ve got? Ol’ Mutton Chops here has the (ABSOLUTELY OFF THE CHARTS INSANE) answer…
Oh, DANDELION!❤️
16. I simply CANNOT resist the siren call of a second hand bookshop. I just can’t. I try but I find myself drawn to them as if the shopkeeper is standing at the open door, industrial strength Henry the Hoover in hand with the long suction attachment angled directly at my wallet.
This week I stumbled into one and bought this little book. I have a collection of them and they are so sweet.
What made this even sweeter was the carefully cut out photos of butterflies from magazines and newspaper popped in between the pages.
The previous owner obviously had a passion and the thought of them, whoever they were, snipping out photos of butterflies to add to their butterfly book has really touched me.
Talking of siren calls - I find this painting HONKINGLY funny!
Do zoom in and look at all the sea monster faces. They are listening so politely, but you can tell they’ve got A LOT of Necessary Sea Monster Business they’d rather be getting on with.
Also, this one has definitely just remembered that he’s left his hair straighteners plugged in…
FINALLY…
We MUST finish with a song because that IS our tradition.
Talking of remembering something important here is our Beloved Joyce G having a moment of Sudden Horror on a Sunday morning.
Please enjoy specifically the way she says “soup”.
Thank you for reading this week’s JOY PARADE.
I hope you have a lovely Sunday. What are you all going to up to? I’ve heard tell of a flea market so I MUST go to that. Afterwards I think I’m going to flop about on the sofa, reading. I’m dipping my nose into two good books at the mo. More on those soon!
I’ll be back next Sunday with JOY PARADE No.45. In the meantime, if you’ve enjoyed this JOY PARADE I would simply adore it if you were to prod the heart button ❤️ below and do please follow me on Instagram (I’m mralextsmith over there) and also subscribe to and share this newsletter to all your chums.
Thank you so much!
In Tearing Haste,
HEAD PIGEON.
MORE LIKE THE QUEEN OF SHEEP-BA AMIRIGHT GUYS?!
I’m looking forward to seeing the sheep in your garden. Joy Parade is an absolute JOY and I am sharing. Thank you.
Wonderful as usual xx