JOY PARADE No.42
Navigating a Yorkshire Pudding in a Plague Mask! A Snail Among the Forget-Me-Nots! Contemplating Art with Nuns!
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OH HELLO!
It’s midway through May and this week I had a meeting about book events and signings that will be taking place AT CHRISTMAS.
MADNESS.
Also I drove past a TGI Friday’s restaurant the other day and it had a sign outside saying “WHY NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS WITH US?” and I wanted to roll down the window and yell “LET ME AT LEAST ENJOY THE PEONIES FIRST!”.
What have you been up to this past week? I’ve been head down over the drawing board again with not one, not two but THREE deadlines either imminent, immediate or that have shot past my ears like a greased weasel. (One of the projects is something for this Christmas - again: MADNESS). One deadline is bad enough. Three at once should be illegal…
But enough of that. Let’s get stuck into some THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED since I last wrote…
Well, the first thing you need to know is that the medieval plaque mask (the one that looks like a leatherette crow’s face with eerie dark glass goggles integrated into it) that I bought for my 11 year old nephew went down VERY well last weekend at Sunday lunch. He wore it immediately which made navigating his Yorkshire puddings very complicated. He then spent a long time sitting in the garden humming and looking at the chickens through it.
I saw a vicar this week who was wearing head to toe tie dye. I don’t know why this has shaken me as much as it has.
It’s May but you wouldn’t know it. It’s been freezing all week and I’ve had to work wrapped in a blanket like I’ve just been rescued from falling overboard.
Writing that had just reminded me of going to France on a school trip in Year 8. On the way back the ferry was put into lockdown and no one was allowed onto the outside decks because some children from another school got caught dangling one of their friends by his ankles over the railings at the back of the ship, mid-Channel.
All we heard from where the dangling school was being securely corralled was “BUT HE ASKED US TO DO IT…” (plaintively) whilst the danglee was spotted sitting shellshocked wrapped in a teacher’s cardi.
I watched a short video this week of a woman explaining that in moments of anxiety you can calm your Vagus nerve by jamming a cotton bud in your ear and waggling it about. Good to know!
But what I didn’t understand was why she recorded this message in what appeared to be the cockpit of a small plane. If I were in control of a small plane and feeling anxious (and I undoubtedly would be) the last thing I would do mid engine failure is reach for my overnight bag for a something to tickle my eardrum with.
One thing about having the parents I have is that I never know what is coming next. One afternoon this week Muv phoned:
“Farv and I will be busy on Sunday morning. We’ve got to go and supervise a 30ft wooden puppet”.
As always there is never any further explanation.
Speaking of my parents, I have their dogs, Bertram and Daisy Dumpling, stopping with me at the moment. Daisy is the twin sister of one of my dogs - Elvis Potato. As a reminder this is Elvis P, as always he is absolutely up to the eyebrows with Necessary and Important business. Real cut- and-thrust stuff…
Daisy is small and coquettish in a Betty Boop kind of way until she is hunting mice in the wood store. Then I have to perform a citizen’s arrest on her.
Daisy, who I’m convinced 23&Me would tell me has at least SOME field mouse in her ancestry. Bert is a Border Terrier crossed with a miniature Poodle which means he has the sort of fur that feels like it has been starched and walks with the light, prancing step of a member of Cirque du Soleil. Both dogs are WONDERFUL.
Bertram. Note the ear which this season we are wearing inside out. Bert intrigues me because I’m not sure how he gets through the day. He has, when the wind is in the right direction, approximately one working braincell that flickers on and off like a neon sign in a film noir.
The other evening he spent a good 40 minutes contemplating one of his back feet and then was DELIGHTED to find he had another one just like it right next to it. He also cannot for the life of him remember that I have chickens so each time he goes outside he has to stand, pop-eyed, with his ears on backwards wondering in awe about what they might be. He does this about ten times a day.
The older I get the more I would like to experience the world like Bertram with nothing in my head other than the Magic Roundabout theme tune playing on a loop and all my energy being spent on remembering to blink.
Right! I hear the trombone players tuning up so that’s out cue to join the JOY PARADE IMMEDIATELY!
1. We start as per with our BEHOLDING! and EXCLAIMING! for the week.
Firstly, these!
I was walking one of the dogs the other evening and came upon them against this knobbly wall which I think is a very striking combination.
(With five dogs currently in my care - my three plus B & D- I’m walking them one at a time because all five at once would result in them cosplaying as racing Siberian Huskies and me face down, bouncing along the tarmac behind them in the role of “Ambushed Sleigh”.)
This photo of these daisies doesn’t really show it properly but it was deep dusk, almost night when I saw them and they were sort of glowing as they danced about. LOVELY!
Secondly, THIS!
Spotted when walking one of the other dogs. I should know what it is but I can’t remember, but anyway I was delighted by it. Quite blowsy and show-offy, which I like, and absolutely being MOBBED by bees- always deeply cheering.
2. Fortnum’s have launch a new Biscuitorium -something I couldn’t be more interested in if I tried. To launch it they have new window displays which look GLORIOUS! The teapots holding tickets in their spouts!
Here’s a sneak peek at them:
I’m excited to see them in real life when I’m next in town.
3. Talking of Fortnum’s biscuits, treat yourself to this arms-length tin of deliciousness. Pop the lid off and just empty the entire thing into your mouth.
4. Look at these pencil drawings! Aren’t they just TERRIF? Am v. taken with the one of the lilac, low-heeled slingbacks.
5. IMPORTANT!
6. Ages ago we enjoyed this wet footprint illusion stair carpet, do you remember?
Well, here’s another for us to enjoy, and pleasingly keeping with the wet theme!
Imagine it leading up to an enormous bathroom (in a turret?) featuring the giant, seashell shaped bath from The Little Mermaid which has been my Platonic ideal bath since the age of 4.
Another excellent fish carpet here!
7. My arms flailed like Kermit’s when I saw this hedgehog ring! DELIGHTFUL! Would probably have this as a wedding ring…
8. YES!
9. ALSO YES!
10. Aren’t the combinations of colours and patterns of these tiles in Lisbon just marvellous? All would make lovely flooring in our Little Mermaid inspired turret bathroom with the fish carpet outside.
Also: I expect many of you already are, but if you aren’t you MUST follow Helen- beautiful paintings and you’ve never seen anything like her sketchbooks. Breathtaking!
11. I haven’t been to Hidcote for a few years but I must go asap. I think May/ June is when the already magical place really looks at its best.
12. Princess Diana pin badges! I need them all! I’ve had a lot of trying meetings recently and I think wearing the Revenge Dress one in particular would have given me a little boost of confidence.
13. I was disappointed this week (because of the DREADLINE situation) to not be able to make the London launch for Rachel Khoo’s new book: The Smallest Restaurant in Paris: A Memoir. It’s an account of her time living there- before her TV cookery programme (which ENCHANTED ME). I cannot wait to start reading this book.
When I was 20 I spent a year going back and forth to Paris every couple of weeks and I’ve never lost my love for the place, so I know this book is going to delicious.
You can buy your (SIGNED!) copy here!
14. As you know I have many loves- dogs, chickens, Paris, Carol Channing - the list goes on. Up near the top of my list is, of course, NUNS.
Here we have dear Sister Wendy talking about art and being human. Every word is a diamond and the fact that someone in a wimple is saying it just thrills me.
15. I don’t think we talk enough about how absolutely off the charts insane the hair is in Seven Brides For Seven Brothers.
*In the barbers:*
“Well, I’m a rugged, 6ft lumberjack in rural 19th Century Oregon so naturally I want a hairstyle that requires a terrific amount of hairspray and makes me look like Raine, Countess Spencer…”
FINALLY…
We always finish with a song and with it being Eurovision weekend there can only be one thing.
Here is Verka Serduchka representing Ukraine in 2007 with Dancing Lasha Tumbai
EVERY moment of this is wonderful but the key takeaways for me are:
the smoke-lensed, 1980s glasses
The backing singers dressed like Private Helga Geerhart in ‘Allo! ‘Allo!
Verka’s white tights which for some reason just absolutely floor me.
SUPERB!
Thank you for reading this week’s JOY PARADE.
I hope you have a lovely Sunday. What will you all be up to? When you are reading this I’ll be midway through a glorious weekend with my great pal M, who is visiting. We haven’t seen each other in real life for six months so we are going to spend 48 talking non stop whilst the dogs parade around doing what I call their Dickensian Orphan Routine for attention which they do when anyone visits.
I’ll be back next Sunday with JOY PARADE No.43. In the meantime, if you’ve enjoyed this JOY PARADE I would simply adore it if you were to hit the heart button ❤️ below and do follow me on Instagram (I’m mralextsmith over there) and also subscribe to and share this newsletter to all your chums.
Thank you so much!
In Tearing Haste,
HEAD PIGEON.
I can’t tell you how much I enjoy the happenings of your week. I have always loved these little details of life that you could so easily miss if not paying attention. Hard agree on the Helen Stark recommendation! I was in Portugal with Helen and everything about the trip was sublime! But two happenings in particular made me think of you and your readers…
1) on arrival at Lisbon, I noticed a man leaning over the rails, holding a very dapper, just groomed Bichon, replete with bowtie… wait for it…. ‘Holding’ a single red rose!
2) on arrival at Heathrow in the baggage reclaim, there was an Italian priest, in full black dress and a fantastic, HUGE, ornate silver cross around his neck. He pulled off his heavy case from the carousel, which was emblazoned with a VEGAS BABY sticker! Just brilliant.
Happy weekend all 🙌🏻
Your comments about Bert made me snort my morning tea ☕️